The Pain and Shame From the Crush of Rejection And How to Support Ourselves and Others in The Thick of It

"Could you please stop crying? You're annoying me. I mean, really, how long can this go on? Get a grip!"

I was in my second year of college. I was on my third misery hit with the Everything Happens in Threes album life had handed me.

In one week, my boyfriend dumped me, I got fired from my job, and my college roommate announced as politely as she could with a beer in her hand, "I just don't think we're a match to live with each other," and poof, I was traded in for a more lively party-girl type.

Having just moved in with this second roommate, I was beginning to feel the pain of rejection well up. It was that day, and when my emotional dam broke, she told me to get a grip. I was drowning in my fifth hour of tears. No amount my roommate inhaled from the stash of pot she was growing under her bed could calm her nerves against my ugly tears.

I was doing my best to "try and get a grip," as my roommate demanded, yet the pain of shame and unworthiness unexpectedly overwhelmed my effort. 

Telling someone to get a grip can sound like, "Buck up! It's not that bad!" And however well-intentioned, the problem with this approach is that it may not be the most helpful to the person receiving it. To understand why this may be, let's look at the latest studies on the brain while experiencing rejection.

According to (Winch, 2013), The Squeaky Wheel, "fMRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. This is why rejection hurts so much (neurologically speaking)" [1]

With that knowledge in place, would it be the most helpful advice to tell a woman giving birth who is experiencing physical pain at the moment to 'get a grip'? Or might a more practical choice to help her breathe be a more effective strategy to help ease her pain now?

As I recall, my roommate looked more scared than annoyed. The mental crush from the pain of rejection was not a pretty sight to behold. I believed I might die as I flopped about, gasping for air like a fish out of water. I'm sure my bloated face and ashen skin from not eating all week would have been enough to scare anyone.

Interestingly, this second roommate was a psychology major. She planned to become a therapist one day. And if any relief came on that day, it was in the secure knowledge she was, thankfully, not my therapist.

Of course, no one is responsible for pulling me (or you) out of the depths of emotional upheaval. Still, we are social creatures who benefit from social support. 

The American Psychological Association also says, "having strong social support can actually make you more able to cope with problems on your own, by improving your self-esteem and sense of autonomy." [2]

So, it may be worth examining the level of strength in social support we might be in someone's life--especially those we are closest to!

It's mental health awareness month as I write this. 

Let's remember what Mental health includes:

emotional, 

psychological, 

social well-being

So, this week's questions are:

1) Where are we on the self-esteem scale following rejection due to things like being fired, unwanted divorce, or familial/friend silent treatment? Are we hiding in silent shame or seeking social support to help us through? Are we aware of how much this could affect our mental health status?

2) How aware are we of our responses to others' emotional pain? Are we well-equipped to offer our best social support for someone's mental health?

Beginning with my roommate, we may deem she had no interest in supporting me. And that's her choice.

Still, is it possible she was, like many people, uncomfortable with raw emotion and wanted to get this scene over with as quickly as she could? Maybe. And I mention this because have you noticed that our ability to support someone socially decreases when internal discomfort arises? 

Considering this helped me build my resilience and self-esteem all those years ago.

For those of us who feel uncomfortable with raw emotion and are genuinely interested in actively supporting someone's mental health regardless, we might insist, "I'd never speak to someone like that!" such as my roommate's response.

So, the question becomes, what are we saying? Is what we're saying or doing today more effective than my roommate's response? And how would we know if it is? 

First, it's essential to mention that being well-equipped to support someone doesn't mean we should expect someone to benefit. I'm not suggesting a savior-style approach to helping others through emotional pain. No matter what we say or do to offer support, it's no guarantee our efforts will work. We're much better off growing in self-assurance that no matter what happens, we did our sincere best to offer adequate support or refer someone toward a better-equipped resource.  

Here Are Ways We Can Interrupt Our Chance of Providing Effective Social Support for Someone's Mental Health Status

1) WE LEAD WITH CLICHES vs. CURIOSITY

Most of us have an intention to be sensitive and caring. For many of us, our go-to is to reach for a 'cliché card' to offer support.

I'm here to challenge us to think beyond convenience cards of wisdom, to consider that we might lack curiosity about whether the card we're carrying is the most appropriate choice to help this person in front of us move through pain at that moment. When something feels good to say, we often assume it feels good to the person receiving it. 

We offer immediate, convenient platitudes like:

 "everything happens for a reason," and "this too shall pass" cliché advice. 

Here's an example of what we may unwittingly say that isn't all that helpful to a person experiencing rejection:

If someone you know is newly divorced, and you've never been divorced, it's easy to say, "There's plenty of fish in the sea." You may mean well. However, to a person who invested most of their adult life with someone they loved deeply, only to be told they were never loved, the pain they're experiencing can feel like they've lost a limb (remember how the brain experiences rejection in the same area as physical pain). So, it's like saying to a person who has lost a leg, no worries; plenty of prosthetics are out there. 

Becoming a more effective social support can begin with a more curious nature to ask, "Is the card I'm holding the best I can offer?"

2) WE EAGERLY EXTEND THE 'STRONG CARD'

 "You're strong! Turn that frown upside down! Don't let them get you down!" or "Buck up, buttercup! Nothing lasts forever; stand tall!" 

Everyone says, "that which does not kill you makes you stronger." It's as if we expect that's what happens. Not many consider that not everyone gets to the point of feeling stronger following rejection.

A lot of people are capable of going through their week in a barely standing style. Just because they're not dead yet, doesn't mean they're growing stronger in self-esteem. Many people are unaware that building resilience is a skill. So, what could we do to make a stronger impact on a person during emotional exhaustion?

To summarize this point:  Everyone's pain threshold and resilience level differ, and we might be a better support to consider that wisdom isn't necessarily a one-size-fits-all comfort.

3) WE ARE FORGETFUL CREATURES!

When we're far removed from our experience with rejection, we might forget what it feels like to be in the thick of that kind of pain. So, we gleefully skip to advice based on the part where we saw the sunshine again. 

Saying something like, "Don't worry, the sun'll still come out tomorrow," is a future-focused attempt to support, not acknowledging the person's present experience. And it's what some science journals refer to as 'toxic positivity.' 

Let's use the woman giving birth as our example. When she is in pain, what woman is interested in hearing a guarantee her husband will shine again tomorrow as he did that morning, getting her to the hospital? I think we can all agree an attempt to help her breathe better and focus on an object is a more practical choice to bring her relief through pain--assuming she's willing to accept your support at that moment! Would you agree?

Imagine if we focused more on offering more practical support over positive pats on the back. 

What if we came armed with the knowledge above that "the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. This is why rejection hurts so much." to remind us to steer clear of untimely clichés? 

When the crush of rejection strikes, we might not always get the social support we need. And that can feel like a double rejection topped with shame! What can help build resiliency is the recognition that not everyone will feel comfortable dealing with us when we are emotionally raw--even those on a track to becoming therapists.

Still, just because someone isn't sensitive in our moment of discontent doesn't mean we shouldn't seek out another source of support.

Remember, social support can help us become more able to cope with problems on our own. 

 Mental health is our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. To become more supportive of others' mental health is not about trying to save people. It's better to grow in self-assurance that we are doing our best without attachment to outcomes.

A more effective approach when someone is in the thick of emotional pain might mean turning in our 'cliché cards' for curiosity to ask, "Is this the most helpful card I can pull?"

When we feel eager to pull the 'Strong Card', we might inadvertently lead a person to shame for self-expression. While it's on them to deal with that shame, we can also become more aware of how our response can play into it. Rejection may not have killed us. And it doesn't mean we should expect to feel stronger in self-esteem. To come back stronger requires the skill of resilience.

It's Mental Health Awareness Month. The crush from rejection hurts and doesn't have to lead to shame. We can help ourselves become more resilient by reaching out for social support, and when it's not available from one person, keep searching.

Let's become more aware of our responses to others' emotional pain. If we've forgotten what it feels like to experience the pain of rejection, it helps to turn to a more practical slow-breathing approach vs. a 'get a grip' attitude. After all this, you may be surprised at how much more deeply connected you feel to others--especially those closest to you. 

For an invite to McCann Mental Health B.O.O.S.T. Camp click HERE!

[1] Winch, G. (2013, July 3). 10 Surprising Facts About Rejection: Research finds that rejection affects intelligence, reason, and more. Retrieved from Psychology Today

[2] Manage stress: Strengthen your support network. (2022, October 21) Retrieved from American Psychological Association