What We Say in the Dark: Impeccability and the Ethics of Healing

In our house, our two male cats enjoy playing what we call Cat-Jitsu, and we get the joy of entertainment from two to three daily matches. On rare occasions, one walks away with a minor wound.

Today, I noticed my cat licking a wound, engaging in his natural healing process. His saliva contains properties that promote tissue healing, a biological mechanism designed for recovery. 

Observing my cat, I asked myself: What would happen if we humans spent more time boldly investing in licking our wounds rather than bitterly pointing out the claws of those who wounded us?

How often, following heartbreak or an abusive situation, do we publicly persecute those who harmed us or privately rehash our parents' poor choices in closed-door conversations? 

How often do we gather an audience to validate our pain? And in doing so, do we truly heal—or do we unknowingly strengthen our bitterness and blame? 

Is this our idea of healing, or have we trapped ourselves in a cycle of emotional turmoil, ego-based coddling, and naive attachment to our version of healing?

The Impeccable Difference in Healing: The Show Don’t Tell Method

If we have the courage to examine how we process emotional pain and mental anguish, we may be humbled to witness the dark side of healing. This is the side that fixates on the claws of another—the one who clawed at us, ripped our hearts out, and left us feeling dead inside.

To shift toward a more sophisticated and effective approach to healing, let’s take inspiration from the book The Four Agreements. You are most likely familiar with it, and today, I want to focus on one of its principles: being impeccable with your word.

A crucial distinction must be made: impeccability does not mean perfection.

• Impeccability means being flawless in our approach, striving for a state of being that is free from faults, errors, or blame.
• Perfection, on the other hand, is unattainable and theoretical. It keeps us chasing something that doesn’t exist.

Sometimes, we believe venting or writing about our pain is healthy. But are we impeccable if we use our gossip to keep bitterness and blame alive and burning? Or are we in opposition to our definition of impeccability when we point out every fault, intention, and integrity flaw of those who harmed us? 

Would it build upon our emotional health efforts to show others what we learned through pain, without telling every detail about another person’s choices we felt were against us?

Can we truly claim to be healing when we continue labeling our past abusers as “narcissists, liars, and losers”? 

Do we really empower ourselves by shouting, “I blame my mother for all my misery!”? Are we exercising healthy strength when we refuse to recognize the claws we might be using to wound others?

Some people make a public display of resilience by blogging about their ex-spouse, the parent of their child, and the nitty gritty details of the betrayal they endured. 

But does publicly shaming another person serve as a healing gift to our children, or are we inadvertently perpetuating a cycle of emotional depletion or even abuse?

Many of us unknowingly use gossip as a badge of honor for our pain. I have done this myself—seeking validation disguised as healing. We all want support. But there’s a fine line between seeking comfort and creating opportunities to be coddled, cheered on, and never challenged.

The Role of Impeccability in My Healing

Our friends, well-meaning as they are, can sometimes become enablers of our pain. Healing often doesn't stand a chance in the friendship zone because comfort is prioritized over seeking the inner truth and genuine growth. This is why we must seek role models—individuals who are both distant enough to offer wisdom and relatable enough for us to learn from.

For me, Elizabeth Smart became that role model of dignity in storytelling. A quick reminder: She was kidnapped as a child and suffered unimaginable abuse.

My story is the massive emotional pain and confusion associated with shunning, not just me, but also my children. I could have easily fallen victim to revenge for hurting my daughters, living in prison with my roommates, bitterness, and blame. 

I had every reason to highlight their wrongdoing, and I had an audience that agreed. I was dangerously close to spending my life repeating the victim story instead of doing the vulnerable work of healing within myself.

But Elizabeth Smart’s wisdom planted a seed within me—a seed that allowed my emotional healing to blossom.

I now share my most deeply disturbing emotional experiences without naming names, analyzing their faults, or labeling them. 

I have chosen to be impeccable with my words, resisting gossip in favor of growth. I no longer seek validation for the unjust ways my children were treated. Instead, I invest in my emotional health by focusing on the impeccable opportunity to heal. I am supporting my daughters by encouraging them to be resourceful beyond my help in communication skills, emotional fitness, and mental health nurturing.

Allowing our abusers’ actions to speak for themselves is a sophisticated form of surrender, resilience, refinement, and emotional freedom!

This decision to live in carefree surrender frees us to live in honesty and humility, keeping our own claws retracted and our words centered in truth vs. tit-for-tat destruction.

The Impeccable Opportunity to Heal in the Light

Beyond the dark side of healing, Elizabeth Smart’s story inspired me to assess my own healing process. She had every right to drag her abusers’ names through the mud—no one would have questioned it. She is the definition of a true victim, brutally captured and abused against her will. And yet, she never allowed herself to feel like a victim.

Even in the depths of her suffering, she chose to keep her mind anchored in love for her parents, as she tells her story, rather than in hatred for her captors. This wasn’t about denial; it was about survival. But more than that, it was a conscious choice to cultivate strength through impeccable thinking and speaking, and to rehearse it genuinely in the recesses of her mind.

It’s helpful to remind ourselves that we should never compare our pain to that of others or diminish our own suffering. There is a difference between comparison and conscious contrast in emotionally charged circumstances. The latter allows us to learn from others’ strengths and adopt principles that can help us heal in a more meaningful way.

Comparison vs. Conscious Contrast of Emotional Pain Experience

Here’s how comparison and conscious contrast played out in my life:

• Comparison said: “Amy, you have nothing to be depressed about—your husband is a quadriplegic!”
• Conscious Contrast said: “What can I learn from my husband’s experience to help in my healing that I’m not currently doing?”

The moment I shifted into conscious contrast, I began developing emotional fitness muscles I never knew I had.

Questions to Help You Heal with Impeccability

Here are some Smart Seeds, inspired by Elizabeth Smart, to plant in your healing journey. Take the time to reflect honestly:

1. On a scale of 1-10, how difficult is it for me to be honest and humble about where I exist on the spectrum of healing?
2. Am I living in impeccable word with myself and about past abusers?
3. Is there a dark side to my healing, and if so, how can I recognize it?
4. What specific strengths have I gained beyond that which did not kill me? Do they support my emotional fitness and mental health, or am I just fooling myself?
5. What is my process for measuring my healing progress?
6. Am I seeking validation and comfort, or am I living in truthful vulnerability with myself to truly heal?
7. After reflecting on my answers, where do I now reside on the scale of honesty and humility in my healing journey?

Final Thought

These days, I strive for superior growth beyond who I was yesterday. To keep me in spirit with that aim, I post to my wall this wisdom from Ernest Hemingway that reads:

“It is not noble to live in superiority to your fellow man. True nobility is living in superiority with your former self.”

Bonus Questions

It's said that "curiosity killed the cat". And I say, they're also good at focusing on healing their wounds after getting clawed by another cat.

What if we were more like cats, invested in healing our wounds rather than bitterly pointing out the claws of those who wounded us?

What seeds of wisdom have you gained in your emotional fitness and healing journey? 

Do you ever find yourself stuck in a cycle of bitterness and a storytelling loop that focuses on blame?

How likely are you to take an impeccable approach to your healing, and are you brave enough to examine how you may have hurt others?

🌱Want more beyond reading? For exclusive earlybird access to emotional fitness content beyond these blogs, become an Inner Listener and Early Listener Participant in my brand new Inner Cave Walk™ mini-audio series and Still & Standing Podcast™ opening in May 2025! JOIN HERE!

🌷Special thanks to my editor, Pavita Singh. You can find her HERE!