Skeleton Perspective to Bury Self-Doubt and Give Rise to TRUST!

AUDIO VERSION HERE

AUDIO VERSION HERE

For this Halloween month in America, here's a skeleton perspective you may want to grip (not grasp) onto! This skeleton style of living puts us in a better form and relationship with the quality of TRUST! Whether you're intrigued or scared by this idea, grip yourself a glass of water, and I dare you to Listen or Read! 

When my twin daughters were little, one fun memory was for their Dad (who uses a wheelchair due to a spinal cord injury) to pull them around the yard in a sled in the summer! 

As the song goes, 

Those were the days, my friend!

We thought they'd never end

We'd sing and dance forever, and a day

We'd live the life we choose

We'd fight and never lose

Those were the days, oh yes, those were the days!

As our twins have entered adulthood, I was also thinking recently about how we've pulled our kids toward the qualities we want them to embody--based on our values—and wise guidance, sometimes based on my fears.

Qualities like kindness, compassion, and consideration for others are values in our family, with fun.And wise guidance out of my fear for their safety. For example, to think twice before helping a friend in trouble with drugs. As much as they may want to help their friend, I said, they could TRUST coming to their parents as a resource. After all, I could trust mine growing up.

While we do our best as parents to grasp onto values, life has ways of shocking us with how things can play out despite our best efforts or experiences with adversity. 

It's those times when our bones can rattle in despair. Along with it, our sense of TRUST in ourselves. The good news is, we need not suffer this way! And we can turn to our skeleton selves as a metaphor to create a stronger foundation of trust. More about that soon...

As parents, we have a strong pull to provide the most loving, safe foundation for our kids to stand. And sometimes, we grasp too tightly onto our vision of family. Then, when things go in another direction, who starts haunting us? The EGO...scaring us awake to tell us we're failures. 

Dr. Wayne Dyer, the late spiritual teacher, defined EGO as "edging God out."

So many people search for balance in their family life using time management strategies. What if we became centered in love with our inner spirit without the ego attached? 

Imagine we transcend ideas about balancing calendars to invite inner HARMONY to the table!

PERSPECTIVE MATTERS (but not always) TO DEVELOP TRUST

Long before my former husband used his wheelchair to pull our girls on sleds, we'd lived in a two-person, non-disability relationship and lifestyle for several years. We'd survived the significant shift into the challenges around disability after his devastating injury and my step into a primary caregiving role. I believe we'd succeeded in producing biological twin daughters with the help of doctors and by God's miracle.

My point in sharing that story is this:

Those challenges, you'd think, would allow me to TRUST I could handle anything! You'd think I'd grown hard-core strengths in dealing with the devils of uncertainty, fear, self-doubt, and disappointment on the parenting journey. Right?

In many ways, based on the caregiving of a full-grown adult needing assistance in many areas for many years, I was a rockstar at handling the needs of little twin babies--it did seem like a piece of cake to me. It was my secret joy in contrast to other moms who found it utterly exhausting and not as joyful as they'd hoped.

I also discovered this:

Perspective based on our personal experience does carry weight in terms of being able to handle new challenges. And that should be celebrated! However, our knowledge and expertise are sometimes limited. Our past perspective does not always yield long-term success in strength regarding peace of mind and harmonious living moving forward. 

Think about this:

Feeling strongly proud of yourself for getting through things with ease is a good feeling. What if there were a more profound experience beyond pride to live humbly in the face of all you accomplish? What might that feel like?

You could persevere for years, meeting every responsibility and obligation on only four hours of sleep a night (my story), and feel like it's a superpower. But will that process maintain a strong body in the process? It didn't in my case. And I learned the hard way it felt terrible persevering with pride vs. peace of mind to grow all areas of my life stronger. 

Here's my insight on strength:

Strength doesn't necessarily come from that which did not kill us, as I've discovered. 

Are you shocked by this perspective? If you're used to hearing or issuing the idiom "that which does not kill us makes us stronger," you may be.

While surviving challenges is something we should celebrate, many people, such as myself, in the past, secretly felt anything but strong in their situations--and they've survived ordeals some of us couldn't imagine! 

Then, what happens? We lose TRUST in our ability to become that strong person we're "supposed" to be following disaster and fearful of not living up to others' standards of us!

Worse, some of us are grasping onto shame for fear of judgment that we are exhausted, not energized by new beginnings out of struggle and survival-strong status.

Are you a person to relate to this secretive struggle? If so, today is my day to remind you you're not alone.

Brené Brown, a researcher on the topic of shame and author of Rising Strong, says this:

"Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough."

As for our wise guidance as parents and pulling them toward making good decisions:

It didn't matter that our daughter understood on an intellectual level the consequences of being around drug use. 

The pulling motion of her heart had her helping a friend in need anyway, in a dangerous situation we weren't aware was unfolding. As loving a spirit as she is, she could not prevent her worst nightmare--her friend's death from a drug overdose. 

For our daughter, losing her friend was a devastating shock to her heart. Along with it, Self-Doubt became the new devil she had to contend with. She had unknowingly made her maiden journey into powerlessness in a situation beyond her control and lost TRUST in her vision of the world.

I did not tell my daughter her experience would "make her stronger." Although I believe it can be helpful as a reminder to people once they've learned to ignite strength from within.

Instead, I first helped her with resources for the grief process. I then asked: Do you want to live in self-blame and self-doubt, or do you want to go another route where you can feel at peace?

The process I took was to help us all as a family update our values to remove unnecessary suffering like self-blame and self-doubt.

That value from shocking circumstances can begin by:

1)  Letting go of expectations attached to our Pulling Motion of the heart or head toward something or someone. This included our expectation as parents for her to take our advice!

2) Assess how often we are grasping so tightly onto ideas and "the way things should go" that we work against ourselves and become exhausted and "going it alone."

Imagine this new value emerging in your life: 

To become a controlling force of flow vs. a controlling power of strength to overcome challenges

In the words of Lao Tzu: "Those who flow as life flows know they need no other force.

Are we, not each going on a journey of pulling ourselves and others toward good or away from danger? If you said yes, we owe it to ourselves to learn to adjust our positions to avoid unnecessary future suffering. Otherwise, we can quickly LOSE TRUST when things don't go our way and get stuck there for a long time.

Imagine the energy of intentionally igniting daily peace of mind vs. the expectancy of automatic strength following survival to build TRUST back into our experience with life.

So, by now, you may be asking:

Where the heck does the skeleton metaphor come from in the title of this blog that can help me? 

First, become curious and ask yourself:

💚Why is now a necessary time and season to examine my idea of STRENGTH, PULL in life, and the quality of TRUST in my relationships? 

💚Who in my life am I doing my "Pulling-Best" to help them reach favorable outcomes, and am I prepared to adjust to better handle things if it doesn't go the way I envision?

Now that you're exercising curiosity about yourself, onto our skeleton metaphor and action plan!

Much like my daughter's Dad, whose wheelchair did all the work to pull a sled with two children, imagine your skeleton does all the pulling in life, with your muscle mindset left to take a break.

Imagine you're pulling yourself toward TRUST in a relationship. The muscles in your body are tense from anxiety from the Self-Doubt burning in your mind. It is a grasping energy your body is experiencing. On the other hand, looking within our skeleton, what might it tell us to do in this situation?

First, it helps to hear a bit of background to see how I came to these insights.

In my book,  Persevere to Succeed, Ignite the Fire of Success Through Uncertainty, I refer to Uncertainty, Fear, Self-Doubt, and Disappointment as the Firey Four Devils that can ignite when things don't work out and can threaten to harm us in two ways:

1) to burn down our spirits, leaving us grasping for shade so that others may not witness our despair

2) to paralyze our progress, leaving us to grasping for control of our movement again 

The burning theme goes back to a season when our family's home burned to the ground, and my brother was burned over 90% of his body as a fire victim. That tragic, firey uncertainty threatened to burn down an entire family's spirits.

The paralyzing theme is connected to the second half of life, the permanent spinal cord injury my boyfriend suffered that I mentioned earlier. That uncertainty threatened to paralyze my entire health status.

Here are three roles in which you may experience this devilish energy and grasping pull away from pain or toward a solution:

😰If you're a parent, you may pull your kids toward values and safety only to be paralyzed by the Devil of Disappointment lapping at your heels when they turn in a new direction.

😰Suppose you're a caregiver of a loved one. In that case, you may be doing your Type-A best to "stay strong" as a well-established strong survivor in the situation, according to others, meanwhile secretly suffering with the Devil of Self-Doubt burning your spirits. Finally, The Devil of Fear of judgment from others shows up! 

😰If you're an entrepreneur, you may know well the Devil of Uncertainty to keep a business alive, make a profit, please your customers, and succeed beyond the survival of adversity. While grasping at straws in problem-solving can prove successful, it's also not a long-term strategy to strengthen your company, culture, and client relationships!

All of the above can lead to the Devil of Self-Doubt knocking at your door so loudly as to rattle the structure of your inner skeleton! Where the Devil of Self-Doubt burns, the quality of TRUST may not survive!

Let's pause to sip some water together and mention my journey today. 

In a 45-challenge I'm participating in this month, we are on day five as I write this. We are moving through insights and living into the quality of TRUST these first five days. As part of our journey, we do more than hydrate. With each sip of water, we infuse TRUST into our bodies, minds, and spirits. With a mix of perspectives, we are all thriving and growing! Want to join this unique journey with me? Click Here 

Now that you're caught up on what brings me to today's discussion let's welcome in our skeletons for some potentially rattling advice on igniting TRUST in situations beyond our control!

It will help us understand the difference between grasping toward an outcome (anxious and frustrated energy) and gripping power (firm and flowing) 

This process brings a heart-body connection to the death of Self-Doubt and a rise of TRUST as we pull ourselves forward.

At the same time, we transcend well-meaning traditional advice about what we might experience following survival status in situations--to become confident creators vs. expectant players through uncertainty.

So, where did I meet this skeleton concept? Through training with my second husband, Sean. He is a 40-year martial arts student and black belt Brazilian jiu-jitsu world competitor. 

In Brazilian jiu-jitsu, we wear what is called a gi. One day, while learning about positioning and a strong base (posture), I was doing my level best to pull, pull, pull, in grasping motion of my husband's gi to reach my goal of maintaining a solid position.

I was out of breath, struggling, and getting tired fast! My husband stopped me and had me repeat my grasping hold onto his gi and feel my forearm. It was tense, and I could feel my muscles doing all the work.

He said, "Now, I want you to shift into a gripping motion that doesn't rely on your muscles but your bones to do the work. In rock climbing, you do the same thing. What you've just demonstrated is called a Skeleton Grip."

By repositioning to move from grasp to grip, I immediately released muscle tension, felt calmer, and could breathe again! I was now in flow vs. frustration. Some may call this a shift in technique. I call this a rise in TRUST and extinguishing of The Devil of Self-Doubt!

As my husband points out:

"When you hear the expression, "he muscled through that," it brings the idea of forcing something. In contrast, flexibility to shift in situations allows for flow, which is a more controlled, harmonious energy. And you can feel that sense of control and flow when you learn to let go of outcomes, reposition without self-judgment, and rediscover the value of TRUST along the way."

Where in your life are you frustrated where you may need to infuse flow?

To round out this conversation, and recap what our skeleton metaphor can teach us:

• The "Gripping" style of pulling toward an outcome suggests a firm understanding or control and allows for flexibility and flow. It is the idea of going beneath the worn-out muscle of expectations built on values or survival status (the way things are "supposed" to be) to a more elegant, intentional walk with TRUST in our bones that all is well within us through uncertainty. 
• "Grasping" implies a more eager or frustrated attempt to comprehend, acquire, or solve something, often with desperation to have things go as we plan. Where we grasp, we are "muscling through" unnecessarily, which could lead us into despair with the Devil of Self-Doubt and loss of TRUST.

Those days my girls were pulled around on sleds through the grass with their Dad are long gone. Their childhood has ended, and they are two young adults navigating Self-Doubt. 

While we'd experienced shock in our relationship many times over, it didn't mean we were necessarily gaining strength in our family--and I will speak for myself to say, I didn't always feel strong even though I was a remarkable success in meeting all of my responsibilities and demonstrating ease in that season of life. 

Will there be more shock in my life? I can count on it. Most importantly, I've moved beyond the traditional reliance on well-meaning idioms of advice of what's supposed to happen when I survive something to experience something more profound: A gripping pull with life vs. a grasping pull to ignite perseverance with peace of mind intact and a harmonious flow. Now, let me ask: What would it feel like to have your bones rattling in harmony vs. your nerves rattling in Self-Doubt?

➡️NEXT ACTION STEP:

If you felt something profound in your bones in today's conversation, your skeleton may be trying to tell you something! If you care to listen to what's happening within, consider joining me in the 45-day challenge designed by a friend and colleague I mentioned earlier. I trust her and her team to carry us, to live into the qualities of Love, Forgiveness, Trust, Strength, Harmony, and Light. It's called The Way of St. Francis--we live in the universal-embraced Peace Prayer of St. Francis. This quest is not about religious beliefs. It's about becoming instruments of peace and embracing the universal human qualities to make a better world. I will also be a speaker on November 7th with my husband, Sean, on the quality of HARMONY. If you've been grasping to get through your situation, let's get to GRIPPING ACTION to join what I call my skeleton crew! CLICK HERE TO REGISTER