JANUARY TOPIC: Shunning (silent treatment)
UNIVERSAL THEMES: rejection, loneliness, stigma, hope

 

I received massive feedback and vulnerable shares on this topic of shunning last year and can now share my ideas about it in healing. This topic is more important and common than I imagined!

Most people I've spoken with over the past year admit shame, working to better care for themselves, and are afraid to talk about it as there still remains a stigma attached.

At the same time, I've been largely encouraged to share this experience publicly. Admittedly, I have tried to avoid it. Then, I was asked about it again in December.

Since I am a Certified High Performance Coach and experiential learning creator/entrepreneur specializing in vulnerability, authentic communication, and emotional fitness through life-altering circumstances, dismissing it feels misaligned.

Since I've effectively lifted my shame after many years of confusion, emotional turmoil, therapy, coaching, and support, I arrive in '25 in humble acceptance of this challenge to share.

I come to you with an unexpectedly different spirit, voice, solidarity, self-trust, and authentic growth--I've hit a rise in maturity that is strangely calming. I arrive in '25 more emotionally and enthusiastically fit to serve this year as a wife, mother, friend, daughter, and coach.

Many will find this topic and discussion uncomfortable. If it is yours, I dare you to step in anyway and read undistracted—maybe with a notebook.

After this read, feel free to private message me or email [email protected] if you believe my professional communication and emotional fitness coaching could help you in your healing process. NOTE: Since I deal with sensitive topics, there is never any pressure to write a testimonial or review of your experience with me. However, I greatly appreciate any and all feedback!!

 

THE PAIN OF SHUNNING

Everyone is free to reject others; sometimes, it's necessary for safety reasons. But there are also those of us in another field who are shunned by loved ones, confused, and disoriented, sometimes having carried this energy for DECADES.

Shunning is an insidious experience, and I, for one, having removed my shame around this topic, am healthy to interact with anyone yearning to figure out how to navigate.

It's not about me having answers or calling out the names of my shunners.

It's about daring us all to be authentic in exploring an awful hit to our emotional stability!

Worse yet, as the shunned person, we may not even realize we're living in emotionally abusive territory. Claiming it as abuse might sound like an excuse to blame those who shun us or a way to avoid self-assessment.

On the contrary, this act of exploration is the very piece we can assure ourselves that we are on a healthy track, not a 'get back at 'em' or pity party track!

We are on a conscious, uncomfortable journey, not a careless, or coddling attempt to soothe ourselves. At the same time, the deeper and more honest we become with ourselves, the more we can reveal our tendencies of punishment toward people, which is another level of maturity to rise to!

Anytime we are dysregulated to the point of confusion and emotional, physical, and psychological distress, abuse should never be left out of the discussion as the possible monster behind our troubles.

Breathe in, breathe out...

People may criticize our attempts at healing as some form of 'holier-than-thou' process. We can sometimes come across, through our excitement in ascending maturity with ourselves, as a high-horse model of annoyance.

Other times, our Queenly presence is the mask we wear, hoping our shunners will buy into our value. That is the insecure stage of our growth, and anyone shaming us for appearing phony is in ignorant energy, not a conscious compassionate observer.

Even if we haven't mastered speaking about all we've discovered about our inner truths, we mustn't ever shy away from our healing process simply because others are bothered by it or try to impress anyone!

The emotional safety in all this is that whatever we discover about ourselves, the rejection from loved ones has already happened! Thankfully, that fear is gone!!

This self-tour is not a quest to help us achieve anyone's return to our lives but to keep ourselves in healthy momentum.

BEWARE APOLOGIZING to those who have clearly chosen the shunning route to bury your existence. It is not in our best interest to do self-work to please our shunners and show them how much we've grown.

 

Let's not be the, Oh, please, please, pretty please take me BACK persona. 

Okay, I'm being slightly dramatic, but let's get gentle with ourselves. The yearning to belong is our human evolution. But, if we want to escape desperate survival mode, we must be honest about where we stand in our growth efforts.

Even if we uncover some wrongdoings, if someone has let us 'die' in their world, we are under no obligation to resurrect ourselves under endless apologies. Again, this is about gaining self-awareness and self-trust, not a journey to say our existence warrants dismissal.

Entering this tour, trying to recognize all our faults as a way to ask a shunning person for forgiveness is a desperate energy that keeps us in a survival connection with life.

And let's be frank: Why would we want our goal to belong to an area of people who have chosen to disregard or discard us?

BEWARE THEIR APOLOGIES! Beware of those who return to your life after shunning. We are not obligated to accept an apology, but here's the key: BE CONFIDENT! Your refusal in solidarity is not shunning anyone.

Remember...shunners do not communicate--silence is their chosen superpower. But, if they should send a word of apology, communication is your superpower to maybe say, "I'm glad that apology means something to you. Should I decide to interact more with you, I will honor my healing above all.

Still, forgetting about them is not a healthy goal either. It's not helpful to arrive at a place to say, "Well, I could care less what they think of me." That dishonors the caring nature we've already developed.

ABUSE FACTOR

We don't need letters behind our names to have these discussions. We can turn to those who have studied these issues for decades and do what we will with those discoveries to help us better understand ourselves.
At the same time, we must come to a place of self-trust in what we are experiencing. We don't need validation so much as we need authentic returns to our characters and presence—to trust that not all punishment thrust upon us is deserved!

PAY ATTENTION
Pay attention to where children are shunned, in cases where the innocent are left out of family events. Wishing and wishing for them to be included insults our sense of sacred values toward the innocent. Never are children responsible for the shovel treatment! And we can assure ourselves that this is a primary indisputable example of abuse we can't ignore!

The good news about children being shunned in the mix is that it thrusts us more quickly into being brave enough to call it what it is—abuse. And our healing advances.

 

 

There's a stigma attached to when a family member or group of family members ditches us, and that is where insidious shame can bloom and keep growing if we let it. It's a vulnerable experience just to be alive. In that vein, we can use vulnerability as a leverage factor in our healing, not something to be intimidated by.

MOVEMENT FORWARD

Just because someone buys us a burial plot and is willing to throw the dirt and darkness of silence on us doesn't mean we are responsible for that shovel.

If an apology arrives after a loved one cuts us off, we MUST resume emotional self-care and determine our path.

Honest self-assessment with a qualified professional can reveal truths: It's not that we are 'rotten' enough to deserve being ignored—a belief we often cling to —instead, we are diminished by someone else's rules, which we may never fully understand.

Engaging your character can help you center yourself. It is not a coddling but a necessary action--ESSENTIAL if you're navigating the emotions of your children, who were innocently cast from family events along with you. Children are NEVER responsible for the shovel dealt to them, so it should teach us something about how toxic shunning is!

THE TRUTH CAN RATTLE US

Shunning IS emotional and psychological abuse.
According to PsychCentral, "Regardless of intent, the silent treatment is a form of abuse and can have emotional, psychological, and physical effects as well."
Facing that what you are experiencing is abuse can prove dysregulating.
Accepting this truth is not easy.

SHUNNED, NOT SHACKLED!

Family shunning has been the most insidious force in my life—a ghosted story that has haunted me for two decades. The burial of my existence, along with my two young children (the innocent), solidifies its toxicity as a form of abuse.

Yet, having reached recognition of my sacredness allows me to honor others' humanness, even within my family. Because of this, I choose not to call out names when sharing my shunning story.

Years ago, I discovered Brené Brown's work and it was the final piece in helping me understand and release my shame. I've been through many seasons of therapy and coaching. And I vow no more masks, wishes, or pleas to myself or anyone for the sake of belonging.

It is not a high-horse attempt, but my humble truth to say that I am the conscious break in the cycle of emotional abuse I've experienced throughout my life. It is my primary gift of growth I can pass on to my children.

 

I am not a victim. I am a vulnerability player evolving.

Whatever my adult children's recollection of being shunned as children, I will encourage them to look beyond their mother's discoveries and invite you to do the same for expansion.

I also encourage us all to be aware of any inappropriate punishments we may inflict on others. The vows we make to ourselves in healing are most important if we are committed to caring better for others.

More emotionally fit, I refuse to die inside under the weight of others' swords. And I encourage you to live today under the lightness of hope and healing!

Shame was once the background static, interrupting the channel of my enthusiasm in every area of life. If you're in the field of confusion dysregulated, and shame is the static behind your enthusiasm for life, you may not know you are in an emotionally abusive experience. Please seek help from a specialist on this topic!

IN THE MEANTIME, HOW I CAN SUPPORT!

CHANGE YOUR LABEL AND BE FEARLESS!

Ditch the silent 'survivors of shunning' labels and become PLAYERS of self-love and voices of truth and honor with our characters.

FEAR NOT AND CELEBRATE!

Rejection of the worst kind has already been inflicted. What's the worst thing that could happen if you were to speak your voice about this experience? Celebrate your self-discoveries!

BECOME A SACRED STORY SHARER

We can pay it forward respectfully instead of rigid payback or pity party in our sacredness. There is no need to be a 'tell-all' sensation to heal or help others. Sharing our stories does not involve calling out names, and there is an art to self-dignity we can learn to practice that does not highlight those who have hurt us.

LIGHTEN UP!

Being a ghost(ed) person has its perks—you can scare yourself into being SEEN on YOUR terms without scaring anyone else to 'death'!

2025 ARRIVAL PLAN

Some gurus pressure us to create a vision lest we perish. For us, it's much more likely that we'll perish without vulnerable action attached to our shunning!

Take the courage to take the V-Challenge! (vulnerable action) and lead this week with ZERO vision, NO plan, and COURAGE to confront any shame or shock to your system by loved ones you didn't see coming!

If we dare confront universal themes such as shunning with a vulnerable action plan in place--A VISION FAR BIGGER than we imagined WILL ARRIVE in 2025!

 

Your partner in emotional healing and fitness,

Amy