Facing Fear and Compassion: A Guide to Meaningful Mental Health Support

How can we truly support someone navigating mental health challenges in a meaningful way while also becoming more aware of the fear or confusion we might experience when connecting with temporary or chronic mental illness? Moreover, how can we elevate our conversations around mental health and mental illness embracing the necessity and nuance these discussions deserve?

I've often heard I'm "too serious," especially concerning my worries. It''s true that I may approach life with a cautious lens at times—shaped by the traumas I've experienced. It's also necessary that I channel this seriousness to cultivate practical care and thoughtful awareness around mental health, both my own and others.

Thankfully, any Chicken Little (The sky is falling! The sky is falling!) bend on life that may have sparked anxiety in some situations has evolved to sharpen my awareness and equip me to navigate my response to others' mental health challenges more sensitively and less nervously. At least, that is my conscious undying aim these days.

With mental health a priority, I'm pleased to hold an updated title from Chicken Little to Conscious Worry Wort. Will you join me in cultivating conscious character within yourself to address a topic that touches us all?

For years, I hesitated to share my struggles with depression, mainly out of fear of the stigma surrounding mental health. Today is not a discussion about my past fears around vulnerability.

Instead, I reach out to you with how I approach and make mistakes in connection with others (and unnamed loved ones) navigating mental illness—whether their experience is temporary or chronic.

What inspired today’s blog? I find myself at a turning point in my relationship with mental health, marked by the heartbreaking loss of three young lives to hidden hopelessness over the past two years.

Young souls, seemingly full of the best kind of careless energy imaginable, in functioning form at work, smiling widely, dancing gleefully, and showing up as bright, shining stars to everyone around them. Substance use can be someone's chronic hidden desperation at play to relieve pain, and when we are faced with multiple deadly consequences around us, it's easy to feel utterly helpless.

No matter how educated we are about mental health, substance abuse, addiction, or suicide, how swift and confident are we to be mindful of our real-life interactions and language around these issues? It’s never easy to witness someone’s negative coping mechanisms, but there’s no better time to reflect on and address our limitations in how we respond and communicate.

It's of massive value not to settle on the idea that people in our lives are immune to dreadful suffering because they're an Ivy League success, can hold down a job, or are the best damn mom you can imagine.

I'm serious today in this season of silly energy, joyful sounds, and songs because it's necessary. I'd rather be on the side of conscious, practical worry and curious awareness than wishful or whistful thinking concerning mental health. 

Quick note:

According to Psychology Today,  the idea that 'people are most likely to commit suicide around Christmas' is FALSE. Instead of focusing on the season, I direct our attention to the sanctity of open, meaningful discussions around mental health--conversations with ourselves and others we all need to step into with commitment to care and curiosity.

We may not be capable of seeing the 'warning signs' before someone gives up. I'm not here to say I, or any of us, can save anyone.

I'm here to encourage those of us who may find ourselves in a state of helplessness when faced with someone's potential hopelessness to step up to a sincere exploration. For instance, how familiar are we with our language and thoughts regarding others' emotional distress? 

More importantly, regarding our interactions with loved ones we know are in a chronic struggle with mental illness, are we stuck in confusion with our fears?

Also essential to keep in mind is the aspect of appearances. Those smiling in our lives aren't necessarily okay; the good news is they also might be listening to us, and here's where we can provide some controlled awareness in any speech or comment we make regarding mental health.

If we want to support those we love wholly, we can't assume that our words don't matter. Instead, we might always consider what's coming out of our mouths. That much we can control, and that much might save a moment of interaction or connection from unraveling.

To diminish any fears and helplessness we might have around mental health, step into my Worry-Wort Workshop and see where it takes us.

Imagine hammering out a more conscious awareness of the complexity of human emotions. We don't have to be skilled in building a health plan for someone to be a valuable gift in their life—we can begin with a health assessment of any potential fears we might possess. And here's the uncommon question we can ask that sets us up for a higher conscious connection: Is my communication a potential liability in my efforts to connect with mental health issues, and if so, how can I turn it into an asset?

Today, I'm reminded that human emotions are complex, and people's coping mechanisms can be frightening. We may not have the ability to pry someone from self-destruction. We have power over the platitudes we offer, sometimes rife with ignorance. Our response to quickly dismissing uncomfortable realities we witness is a product of our fears.

Although we may not be trained in the area of mental illness or addiction, we can control one thing: Our voices.

Communication, a 'soft skill,' has the most profound potential to strengthen our relationship around mental health discussions. It is a complex muscle capable of contracting or relaxing relationships and deserves higher recognition.

Even though I can fiercely empathize with seasonal and situational mental health challenges, I'm not immune to inadvertent insensitivity toward others in mental health distress. Why? Because I'm not above feeling utter helplessness in the face of mental illness, whether temporary or chronic. 

Any of us is subject to quickly opening our mouths--and just as quickly realizing we've inserted our foot. It's the instinct linked to regret if we're not careful.

We also mustn't punish ourselves for messing up our communication or missed opportunities to be more curious than critical when we suspect someone is struggling with mental health or emotional darkness is evident.

While we aren't equipped to be anyone's savior, in response to mental health issues, we can learn to offer saving grace toward ourselves to acknowledge our limitations in a moment or season. And to do better next time.

For example, it's taken weeks to overcome regret for a text I shot in response to a stomach-dropping message I saw on my message board outside my office after returning home from a business trip.

My board asks: How Will I Lead The Day? My adult children and guests leave answers now and then. This time, someone answered, "with drugs." I knew it wasn't either of my daughters' writing, and I also knew that guests had been over while my husband and I were away.

Fear and worry rose after my initial raw and genuine dread sparked, and I chalked it up to a young person's tasteless joke in my mind. The text I sent to my daughters reads: "I don't know what guest wrote this, but if people can't write an inspiring message, please be sure to refrain from writing."

I had done the job of tidying up my discomfort. A psychologist friend of mine said it's possible I was experiencing a denial piece of grief--especially since there have been two drug overdoses in the past two years. It wasn't necessarily intuition of dread at play, but experience playing on my emotions.

That makes sense, and it's also no excuse not to be more reflective in my response to alleviate fears.

I'm horrified to say this person overdosed a few days later. Whatever path my dread had arrived, it had been spot on.

I share this with you to point out my reactive text due to my fears setting in--I couldn't face the possibility that this person might be another headed for disaster. I didn't dare ask whether this person may have been serious in how they chose to lead their day. 

My present awareness means I need to do better to avoid the trap of trying to relieve my discomfort by offering surface-level advice or redirection. And to acknowledge mistakes without self-punishment.

My next mess-up was also recent. This is my reflection.

This style of surface interaction was born from an intense helplessness around someone's coping mechanisms. Helplessness can be linked to fear and usually invites our instinct to run wild.

This awareness comes from the conscious reflection of how I attempted to support a person whose emotions are obvious, whose struggle is out in the open, and whose anxieties are shared.  

In this particular interaction I made the default mistake to say: "A little gratitude goes a long way." Why is this a mistake? Because I ignored curiosity and went straight toward comforting myself out of helplessness. It was the repeat response to the bulletin board outside my office.

True empathy is not about offering quick fixes or projecting our experiences onto others. It involves staying curious about their unique situation and resisting the urge to redirect their emotional state for personal comfort immediately.

Genuine empathy is about presence, not fluffy solutions, and it's where our fears have no place to stick around and tinker.

Empathy is a practice more than a feeling that requires curiosity and could stand to ask:

"Before I open my mouth, could what I'm about to say be empathetic or dismissive? Is what I'm about to say tied to any helplessness I may be experiencing?"

It's fair to say that if mental illness is at play with a person, whether temporary or chronic, a quick turn to get someone to 'be grateful' is to misunderstand (or dismiss) the complexity of emotions and mental health. Fear can keep us stuck in misunderstandings and dismissal throughout life. 

Many people with depression feel guilty for their struggles, especially if they "know" they have things to be grateful for. This guilt can coexist with their gratitude, intensifying depressive symptoms rather than alleviating them. And yet, social media would have you believe that gratitude is the answer to canceling out every negative emotion you experience.

Next, in trying to support this person in my life, I could have been more internally thoughtful in considering the context. My knowledge that this person struggles with chronic anxiety and depression is important, but it isn't enough—I needed to acknowledge the context of my own worries around it internally before speaking up. I was caught in the instinct linked to regret habit.

A person's emotional experience isn't always a matter of 'snap out of it'. Even though I 'know' this educationally and experientially, I'm reminded that life is about consistent awareness in the moments we are gifted and our response in the inevitable non-repeatable interactions we face—a decision toward conscious awareness today may prove much more powerfully transformative beyond any coursework to accumulate more knowledge on mental health.

Education and knowledge can serve as fundamental first steps to experiencing a higher appreciation of mental health challenges. But fundamental knowing doesn't guarantee we grow any closer to showing a connection with loved ones' suffering. 

Flexibility and humility to center ourselves to consider what we might be missing in conversations is the master-level human connection available to us without the need to earn a PhD.

A decision to be flexible in response ahead of time to an uncomfortable meet-up with a loved one's mental health challenge is an engaging and genuine humble effort piece.

Our prideful credentials should not be relied upon as the sole conductor of mental health. Instead, curiosity becomes our ongoing curator of success and authentic connector.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Mental health is a spectrum, and mental illness could be a temporary situational or a lifelong chronic struggle. While gratitude and depression might seem contradictory, these can coexist in ways that may feel conflicting. In offering a reminder or order to 'be grateful,' we may not be aware of the liabilities in the connection we are attempting.

I celebrate anyone who recognizes the importance of spreading the word to take a 'mental health day.' Still, I, and many like me, can't afford to be a person who can pick and choose a convenient date around work or school when I can take a 'mental health day' to recalibrate. We should all consider daily mental health efforts in addition to dropping something from our calendars to balance ourselves.

While I worry aloud with friends, and some might call me too serious,' I also appreciate that worry has evolved into a conscious, practical connection related to the depth of connection vs. wishful thinking problem solver regarding mental health. I've made a few mistakes recently and vow to learn from them and improve.

Today, I am a proud Conscious Worry-Wort in the face of the mental health challenges of those I care deeply for.

Like anyone with a history of struggle and episodes of depression that can bring on hopelessness, I must be proactive daily to create mental health decisions that include a commitment to seek professional care if necessary.

Furthermore, beyond our necessary desire to understand mental illness are the nuances we can approach more curiously.

For example, mental illness doesn't always mean a person can't function in a family or within society--it is often invisible or cloaked in a smile. It may mean a person carries the weight of striving to function in ways they deeply value. We can support this through conscious observation and awareness of our simple communication about mental health.

I'm deeply saddened to witness another young life lost due to hopelessness. As educated as I am on the topic of mental health and suicide statistics, I'm no less shocked by these scary outcomes and more respectful of my serious approach to worry.

As you wish Seasons Greetings, Merry Christmas, and Happy Hanukkah and skip along in a silly manner to song with your kids, I challenge you to pay serious attention to your fears, relationships, and language around mental health and helplessness you may face. Your power to embrace your worry as a conscious peace energy you can repurpose and control through communication could be the most meaningful gift you deliver.

To help you get started, I offer this immediate reference and downloadable guide in a season of gift-giving:

The Conscious Worry-Wort's Guide to Mental Health Awareness and Connection

Keeping Up Appearances

🎄 Don't take the smiles you see for granted, no matter how wide. It's easy to assume people are 'happy' and a gift to all to consider the possibility of hidden hopelessness and helplessness before speaking your mind around mental health discussions.

 Calling on Curiosity

🎄If you’re faced with a loved one's emotional distress, recognize that your helplessness in the moment is just as real and worthy of attention. Approach this discomfort with curiosity and reflect on how fear might shape your responses in this sensitive territory of mental health. Evolve thinking instead of rushing to ‘solve.’

Curate Showing over Knowing

 🎄Set aside your credentials and knowledge; instead, engage with intentional curiosity and empathy

🎄Choose authentic connection over making assumptions or jumping to conclusions around someone's mood. Relieve yourself of guilt when you make mistakes in communication—it’s part of the process.

Consciously Worry

🎄Rather than reacting to your feelings of helplessness or fear in the face of someone’s struggles, make one mindful decision to stay present and intentional in your response.

Capture Reality

🎄 Mental health exists on a spectrum; emotions are complex, and gratitude and depression can coexist, often accompanied by guilt

Captivate Courage

🎄‼️NECESSARY CALL TO ACTION‼️: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please share or call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If you're unsure how to help someone who might be suicidal or need guidance on maintaining your mental health while supporting others, reach out to friends in the mental health field or trusted professionals.

Instead of wishing these challenges away, let’s channel our worry and fear into proactive and compassionate action as warriors for mental health.

Finally, are we collectively curious enough to make a difference as assets of awareness of our communication in our relationships rather than instinctive liabilities in our connections around mental health? Let us be the first to say we are!